I am sitting here listening to Sufjan Stevens at work. I am working everyday through this holiday. I work a few different jobs for the same company. I work at a nightclub, an office building, and a sports arena. All the jobs take up time in my day, and my schedule is a ballet of time organization, a lot of driving, and very little sleep. When I am in school, my schedule becomes even more chaotic. When I do have time off, I only have time to sleep, or do some loads of laundry. I am a 31 year old recovering addict.
I seem to succeed in not drinking by using the time-tested technique of avoidance. It’s a good thing when the holidays come around. Avoidance helps you so you are too busy to attend company parties, friend’s gatherings, family dinner’s, and any other holiday event that involves drinking.
Now I know that avoidance in one of the more unhealthy ways to deal with a problem. But, I think that if I had any more free time, I would be having a harder time staying sober this holiday season. I will be sober for a year on Christmas day and I am planning on staying sober this Christmas. You can’t and shouldn’t use avoidance for all of your possible slips in sobriety. Avoidance doesn’t help you gain strength when it comes to saying no. But, avoidance does buy you prescious time. Every day you don’t drink is another day of being sober. That is what recovery is all about. Doing it one day at a time.
I am an alcoholic and drug addict. I am not using right now, or have used in the last year. My recovery has gone pretty damn smooth compared to others. I realize that every day is a challenge. I have learned how to handle my recovery. Staying sober is a hard thing to do when you are in recovery.
There is at least one conversation a week that I have that ends in “so when are we going out drinking?” Usually it is different people that are asking me this, and sometimes it is the same person repeating the same question even though I have repeatedly told them that I do not drink or use drugs.
I have also seen people in recovery relapse. I feel really bad for them. I can’t help but feel that I they could have tried harder, that they should have recognized what they were doing was wrong. But, I also know that I could easily be that same way if I make one bad decision. I can never let myself get too comfortable in my recovery.
It takes a lot of honesty to stay sober. Every time a person asks you to go out, have a couple of drinks. You need to be willing to tell them that you do not drink. You do not have to tell them that you are a recovering alcoholic or drug addict unless they really press you. You need to be willing to let them know that you don’t appreciate their invitations after you have already told them you do not drink. You must be honest with them. You must be honest with your self. Peer pressure isn’t just for teenagers and kids. Peer pressure comes at a person in recovery every day. From coworkers, friends, family, you have to just be willing to state to yourself or someone else that…
YOU ARE A RECOVERING ADDICT AND YOU CAN NOT ENJOY A DRINK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
YOU WOULD LIKE TO ENJOY SOMEONE ELSE’S COMPANY, HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE, BUT YOU CAN NOT REVOLVE THAT SOCIAL LIFE AROUND DRINKS AT A TABLE.
YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON. IF YOU CAN NOT HANDLE BEING SOBER THAN YOU ARE NOT AS STRONG AS YOU THINK. IT IS THEN TIME TO GO TO A MEETING. FIND STRENGTH FROM OTHERS THAT ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME THINGS YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.
Television has always used the alcoholic or drug addict as a character or topic for it’s many forms of entertainment. You have shows that portray the addict as a hopeless criminal or as a down and out insane hobo. There are also shows out there that try to give the viewing public a view of the addict that most people do not see.
The show Interventionon A & E is one that does a really good job at that. Although it is really painful to watch sometimes, a recovering addict will see some aspect of their own recovery in the people profiled on that show. I can sit there and watch that show, sometimes for only a short period of time, and memories of how I was come flooding back. It would be an understatement to say that those were not always the best memories, but it is good to remember what it took for me personally to hit bottom.
The show E.R. on NBC has done a good job so far with one of its’ characters. The character Abby Lockheart, who is played my Maura Tierney, is that character. Now, just for the record, I am only a recent fan of watching the show. So don’t critique my knowledge of the show. During my many years of addiction, I really didn’t keep a schedule of watching that many TV shows. Unless they were on at 5 am when I was trying to pass out so I could be at work on time.
Abby is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for a long period of time. She has gotten her life back together, and has a family now. In the last two episodes, her character decided to have a bottle of wine after a day where her child got hurt and her husband is still not home. Pretty much every alcoholic will tell you that stress = possible relapse. It’s not a hard equation to figure out.
The kudos I do want to give though are on her portrayal of what happens to an alcoholic after they are done going through a proper relapse. She was shown going through stages of guilt that only come when a person knows that they did not do the right thing. She also tried to reason with herself and her sponsor that this relapse was only a one-time thing and that she could “handle it.”
I wouldn’t doubt it if every recovering addict has lied to themselves and said that they could start drinking or drugging again and not have the same consequences as before. I can also say without doubt that the ones who did relapse, came out feeling worse than how they felt when they were actively using before treatment. Guilt and a hangover don’t go well together.
As long as people watch these shows and are exposed to what a person who has or is battling addiction is going through then it will help them understand what we are going through. Imagine that guilt, shame, and temptation on a daily, or sometimes hourly, basis. I just want to say thanks to those who are able to get the word out to people about how to help others in need. You can’t go up and drag someone to rehab. Most of the time they have to hit their bottom before they even consider getting help. But if you or I are there to catch them before they fall all the way out, then maybe they still have a chance.
Well, I stepped away from this project for a bit. I haven’t looked at the blog in a while. I seemed to have not been as involved in what I would have called “active” recovery for at least four months. I have noticed that a lot of my past issues have been resolved, but a lot of them still remain unchanged. I could in all reality fall back into the grasp of addiction at any moment.
Vigilance is always necessary… for the rest of my life.
The difference between active and inactive recovery, at least by my standards, is that I am not really working the program, and I am not letting my life go down the shitter. When I was active in my recovery, the phrase “One day at a time” really did make the biggest difference for me. I had a lot more short term goals set, and was really just realizing the long term goals.
Inactive recovery, is a little different. There is still a lot of goal-setting. I’ve lost track of my AA and NA meeting schedules, but that I don’t feel that I need them as much right now. I still attend meeting on more of an irregular schedule. It’s a good feeling to be able to do that, but any good person in recovery will tell you that you shouldn’t stop going to meetings. Still, I am the stubborn type, I am good right where I am at.
I have seen a couple of people that I have been working the program with fall back into their old habits. I think that is why I think I am different than them. I have taken the road to recovery a hell of a lot more seriously than they have. I have also set my self up for some good outlets for my stress. I don’t let work drive me into the ground anymore.
I also don’t let sobriety keep me from being social. I have crafted a new type of social existence that works with me being sober. I obviously can not be social like I was a year ago. But, I do things that I consider fun, and have met new people and friends in the process. The strength that comes with making new friends in sobriety is that you now have more people to disappoint if you fuck up again. I believe that having that silent support system helps me do the right thing every day.
Well, my class is over. I know that I want to still contribute to this blog. It won’t be as specific to what the class required, but I am still going to write about people in recovery. Hopefully if someone reads this they will get something about reading what someone else went through; and what they are doing to stay positive. (and sober)
“Do 12-step programs work?
Twelve-step programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous rely on two vital tools for recovery: mutual support and the acknowledgment that addicts are “powerless” to combat their addiction alone.”
Clemmitt, Marcia. “Combating Addiction.” CQ Researcher 17.6 (2007): 121-144. CQ Researcher Online. CQ Press. Your library’s name, city, state abbreviation. 14 Mar. 2007 <http://library.cqpress.com/cqresearcher/cqresrre2007020900>.
Today I am interviewing someone who has been attending AA and NA meetings with me for the past four months. We have both been helping each other with going to meetings and keeping ourselves out of “bad” situations.
We are sitting in a room in the Northwestern Alano Club (NWAC.) The room is just off the main meeting area where all the daily AA and NA meetings are. She is sitting across from me in a booth that looks like it came out of a broke down coney island. We both walked in together. She went up to the counter and got herself a french vanilla coffee and got me a coke. She came back to the booth and had to navigate her way past a couple of guys playing Golden Tee golf (one of the stand up games you might see in a bar or bowling alley).
As she sits down I turn on the tape recorder. She asks me about what I am doing the interview for and I tell her about how I am doing it for my English 121 class. I know she has read through my blog for the class, so I don’t even start to explain what the class is all about because I have already done that for her once before. Even though we talk every day I don’t want the interview to feel impersonal.
I set the tape recorder down in front of her, right next to her coffee and her Marlboro ultra lights. I ask her to tell me a little bit of history about her self. I ask her to be somewhat descriptive but don’t be that personal since I don’t want to compromise her anonymity. She replies with a brief explanation of herself.
“I am a twenty six year old, I am from Farmington Hills. I went to school there and then I went to EMU to get my teaching degree. I moved back from out of town last summer, where I taught special education in the inner city.”
I asked her about what happened to her that made her decide to start attending AA meetings.
“Well the courts told me I had to, and I think after I went to jail for the night I think that if I went to an AA meeting that would help with my sentencing when I did go to court.”
“Did it help you with sentencing?” I asked.
“No, not really, I was pretty given the same shitty sentence that any other person charged with a DUI gets.” she replied. ” But it did help me to get an idea of what I was going to be sentenced. I asked a lot of people about what might happen to me and a lot of people were able to give me good advice. There’s a lot of people with “personal” experience with the courts.” she laughed a little.
I began to explain to her about the direction that my project was taking and how I wanted to give people an idea of what it was like for the newcomer to come into an AA meeting and admit to a room of strangers that they had a problem with drugs or alcohol. I asked her about what made her continue to go to meetings even though the courts didn’t require it of her anymore.
“Well, the answer that I give everyone else is that courts are still making me go, but I am still going because I think that going to meetings kinda helps me out.” She looks around the room to see if anyone is in earshot. “ I wasn’t some sort of fall-down drunk like some of the people in here. But drinking did cause me to still get in trouble, and I feel that if I didn’t catch it now, then I might turn out to be like some of the people that we see here at these meetings. I am not saying I am any better than them, but if I caught it early enough, then I won’t end up like them.”
I agreed with her and I pulled out a piece of paper from my bag. It was a pamphlet that I had gotten in the mail from Brighton Hospital. The mailing was just a mailing about their yearly golf outing. But in the return envelope on the inside there was something written on the outside of it that caught my eye. It said “Recognize the signs of Alcohol/Substance Abuse.” It also said that it had gotten these points from the United States Department of Health and Human Services. I showed it to her and asked her if any of these symptoms might relate to her.
The first symptom said “The need to drink/use drugs before confronting certain situations.”
“Yes I definitely fit that symptom. I would drink whenever I was out with my friends. It’s a lot easier to deal with other people when you are half in the bag.”
The second symptom was “Frequent Intoxication.”
“Well, I work early in the morning, but whenever school is not in I would definitly be out every night with friends. Hell, sometimes even during the week I would have a more than a couple of drinks if I went out to dinner.”
The third symptom was “A steady increase in the amount of alcohol/drugs consumed.”
“I do know that since I started drinking back when I was in high school, I can put back a lot more than I used to. I have never had a problem keeping up with all my friends.” she laughed a little.
I laughed back. “You never used to be able to keep up with me.”
The fourth symptom was “Solitary drinking/drug use.”
She shook her head no. ” I never really was the type to drink unless I was with friends.”
The fifth symptom was “Early morning drinking/drug use.”
She shook her head no again. “Unless I was tailgating up at a MSU game or a Lions(Detroit) game, then I wouldn’t be drinking that early in the morning.” she laughs again. “I might have made another exception for early morning boozing one St. Patty’s day too.”
The sixth symptom was “Denial of drinking/drug use.”
“I never really thought it was a problem until I got arrested. Then that’s when I really saw that all the times that I drank and then went home, that I was putting someone’s life in danger. That’s when I realized that I was denying to myself that I was doing something “OK” whenever I went out.”
The seventh symptom was “Family disruptions over drinking/drug use.”
“I think there have been a few times that I have fought with my parents over stupid shit, and if I wasn’t drinking or planning on going out drinking, the situation would have been a lot different. There might not have ever even been any kind of argument.”
The eighth symptom was “Blackouts or temporary amnesia.”
“Does passing out count as a blackout?.” she laughed out loud. “I never really had anything that you could consider a “blackout,” but I have certainly had more than enough many nights. I probably should have blacked out.”
The last symptom was “Continuing to drink/use drugs despite adverse consequences from drinking/drug use.”
“Well I think we can answer that one. I haven’t had a drink since my little “law” incident. I don’t plan on ever getting in a car again after having any type of alcohol. Even cough medicine.”
We both laughed at that one. I thanked her for her time and she wished me good luck with my project. We both got up and went into the next room. It was time for the six o’clock meeting and that seemed like as good a time as any to wrap up the interview. Remember, the whole basis of AA and NA meetings is that you keep coming back.
Well I have an idea for an interview, but I am not sure if it would fly. I want to interview myself. I think it would be a good idea because then I could kind of skirt over those pesky confidentiality issues. The other reason that I liked this idea was because it would give me more of a chance to discuss my own personal reasons for why I chose addiction and why I chose recovery after a very active addiction.
I wanted to structure the questions like I was going to a pre-screening for treatment. I have talked to a lot of people in treatment and a lot of them have gone on-line to look at information on treatment and even self diagnosis. There are a lot of websites out there that offer a list of questions that are supposed to determine if you have a problem by the number of “yes’s” you answer. I feel that using this structure would give a good insight into the mind of an addict and also possibly help the reader understand how many aspect’s of one’s life that alcoholism and drug addiction can permeate.
Click on this link to see if you might have a drug or alcohol problem
When a person hits their bottom, and decides that they need to go into treatment, there are not many options for the usual drug addict. Most addicts have already lost their jobs and spent all of their money on their way down the slippery slope of addiction. So that means that when they go looking for treatment, they often have a hard time affording it. The cost for one month of outpatient treatment runs around $1400. That’s a cost that someone with no health coverage and no money would find hard to pay.
I found this article from the Detroit News. It is talking about Brighton Hospital. Brighton Hospital is a local treatment center that specializes in alcohol and drug treatment. They have in-patient and out-patient programs, and they also have many other programs that help people who are suffering from all the various forms of addiction.
Paper: Detroit News, The (MI)
Title: Hospital to start women’s halfway house -
Goal of its campaign is to raise $100,000 for the renovation of building to house ex-drug addicts.
Date: January 8, 2007
BRIGHTON — To help its female patients transition from addiction treatment, Brighton Hospital has started a campaign to raise $100,000 to provide a women’s halfway house.
The hospital has a building on campus that houses therapists, physicians, the business development office and a gift shop.
It will be renovated as a halfway house and open sometimes this summer, said Denise Burton-Epp, president of Brighton Hospital. The hospital will then expand its main building for the staff offices and gift shop.
The 92-bed hospital offers a variety of levels of care for chemical dependency and mental health, as well as alternative treatments, such as acupuncture. A year and a half ago it opened Henderson House, the men’s halfway house, on campus.
Due to the higher number of men that seek treatment for chemical dependency, there are more services for them through the halfway house, Burton-Epp said. Sixty percent of its clients are male.
“When we opened our men’s halfway house there was a great need then,” she said. “There are not a lot of services available for women.”
Due to a fewer number of women’s halfway houses throughout the state, women waiting to enter a house have to wait a week, while men have a 24-hour wait.
As the hospital prepares its designs for the halfway house this month, it is seeking corporate and community donations.
“What we expect is that all of the money will be committed by the end of 2007,” said Richard Kramer, the hospital’s vice president of financial development. “We’ll advance the money to get the construction done.”
Initially, the house will accommodate 12 residents who could live there for up to a year. The stay would be covered by insurance or cost $55 each day. By staying on the campus, residents will have ongoing care from their doctor and access to available programs.
“It’s very helpful for them,” Burton-Epp said. “It’s scary to come into treatment. Once they get here it’s hard for them to leave.”
How to help
For information on making a donation to the Brighton Hospital for its women’s halfway house, call (810) 225-2542.Copyright (c) The Detroit News. All rights reserved. Reproduced with the permission of Gannett Co., Inc. by NewsBank, inc.
“Hospital to start women’s halfway house.” Detroit News 8 Jan. 2007: 2B.
I can’t do something and not try to give it a soundtrack. If you listen to these video’s while you are reading my post’s them this should give it a good “audio setting.”
Also, Nick Cave is great, and I think this video with him and P.J. Harvey is sweet.
Let it be known! I have never given much weight to little trinkets. They don’t mean much to me. I always tend to lose them. I never wear watches. I always scratch them up. I always lose sunglasses, or end up sitting on them when I get in the car. When I used to work at (and frequent) the many bar’s around the Detroit area, I would get a ton of s**t from many of the beer and liquor reps. All that stuff would end up on the floor of my car (and from there they fell into the vortex.) Now that I have been going to meetings and have finished a little stint at rehab, I am starting to recognize the meaning behind some little trinkets.
When I went to Brighton Hospital. I took part in their “IOP” program. Which stands for Intensive Outpatient Program. I didn’t go there high, so I didn’t need to worry about detox; and I didn’t want to have to be confined somewhere for a long period of time. So the outpatient program gave me a chance to get better and not put my entire life on hold.
The schedule was good for me. There was three, three hour sessions each week for a month. I went on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Each session was with a group of people. Everyone had different start dates, so on my first day in the group, some of the other people had already been there, or it was their last day. It kept a good momentum for the group.
On my first day. I went through the first three hours of treatment with the group. Got to know everyone that was there. At the end of that first day, there were two people that were celebrating their last day there. The group leader gave them each a coin. The coin was then passed around the group and we all had to say something about the people that were leaving. When the coins got to their rightful owners, they then had to day something about themselves and their time they spent in the program.
When it got to my last day. We actually went to a different part of the hospital, to listen to a guest speaker. We didn’t go through the normal meetings that we usually did. My group leader forgot all about giving me my coin. Well after seeing numerous other people get their coins over the last month. I sure as hell wanted my coin. So I made sure that I told the group leader that he forgot about me. I did wait till the end of the session to tell him about how he forgot, so I did not have to go through the “passing around the coin” bit. Trust me, after a month of talking, it was good to not discuss something with twelve other people.
The coin is pretty simple. On one side is has a picture of a building and it says “Brighton Hospital” it. On the other side it has the serenity prayer on it.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference
The coin is just one of the many little trinkets that I have started to acquire after I left treatment, and have started attending Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous meetings. Now that you know what it took for me to get one of those little trinkets, I can now tell you the meaning it has for me.
I keep it in my pocket, and every time I feel the urge to take a drink or do a drug. I reach my hand in my pocket and put the coin between my thumb and forefinger. It’s a reminder of what I had to do after the last time I used.
P.S. It’s right there next to my “Thirty Days Sober” key-chain that I got from my NA meeting. I’ll be getting my “Sixty day’s sober” key-chain this Sunday
